7. IMAGINE YOU ON YOUR
WEDDING DAY
An excerpt from Ada Brownell's book, Imagine the Future You.
NOTE: Ada Brownell spent seven years as a medical writer for The Pueblo Chieftain.
By Ada Brownell
What will you bring into your marriage?
“Be
sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks
about, seeking whom he may devour” 1 Peter 5:8.
A high school human sexuality teacher who is a Christian did
this experiment for me in a class I taught at our church’s Dunamis Academy.
She gave paper and pencils to everyone. Before class, she
marked an X on the back of one of the papers, but none of the kids knew it. She
instructed students to shake hands with other teens and have them sign each
other’s papers. They shook hands and gathered signatures for five minutes, and
then returned to their seats.
“Turn your papers over and see if there is an X on the
back,” she told them. A girl found the X and raised her hand.
The teacher told her to stand up. “She has Virus X. Who
signed her paper?”
Five hands went up, and those kids stood.
“Now these five have the virus. Who signed their papers?”
Four more got out of their seats, also contaminated by the fictional “virus.”
Six more admitted their fate.
Eventually all remaining students were “infected.”
“This is how sexually transmitted diseases spread,” the
teacher said. “When you have sex with someone, you are essentially going to bed
with every person that individual had sex with, because once a sexually
transmitted disease is shared, it is contagious until the disease is cured—if
the disease has a cure. You might be intimate with only one person but be
exposed to multiple diseases.”
Some STDs, such as herpes, cause severe misery and are
incurable, but they don’t kill. But the HIV-AIDS virus isn’t the only one that
kills. Both hepatitis B and C affect the liver and can take your life. Human
papilloma virus (genital warts) sometimes causes cervical cancer. Chlamydia and
gonorrhea, left untreated, can affect joints and heart valves and cause pelvic
inflammatory disease, infertility, and even blindness.
A story by Lawrence K. Altman published
in the New York Times on March 12,
2008, said the first national study of four common sexually transmitted
diseases among girls and young women found that one in four is infected with at
least one of the diseases.
IMAGINE YOU—CLEAN!
But the federal study
could have pointed out three out of four do not have the disease. I imagine a
large number of them were virgins.
When my husband and I were married, couples took blood tests
to check for STDs. When a virgin discovered she was set to marry someone
affected with a disease, there was time to call off the wedding. Of course, my
husband and I had nothing to worry about, and the test came out negative.
I would guess in my day most of us were virgins, and I knew
my beautiful white satin gown testified to that fact.
According to Kelsey McIntyre in From Times Past, white has been accepted as the preferred wedding
dress color since Queen Victoria married her cousin Albert of Saxe-Coburg in
1840. Godey’s Lady’s Book in 1849
reported, “Custom has decided, from the earliest ages, that white is the most
fitting hue, whatever may be the material. It is an emblem of the purity and
innocence of girlhood and the unsullied heart she now submits to the chosen
one.”
A wedding gown probably is the most beautiful dress most
women wear in their lives. Even the least expensive are exquisite.
Young men, too, probably will never be more handsome than
the day they stand at the altar waiting in a tuxedo for the beautiful bride.
Children often like to play “bride and bridegroom,” and
during their growing years, many girls dream of the day when they walk down the
church aisle, dressed in white, as the wedding march fills the sanctuary.
In 1953, about half of all women were married by age twenty,
and half of all men by age twenty-two. In 2002, the average age for the bride
was twenty-five and bridegroom age twenty-seven.
Today, thousands of couples are living together without
being married, and multitudes of young women give birth to babies without being
married. In addition, approximately fifty million babies have been killed by
abortion in the United States since abortion became legal in 1973.
Something happened. A large number of young men don’t bend a
knee and extend a tiny box containing a diamond and ask their beloved to marry
them. Instead, many just want to rush the girls off to bed somewhere and
perhaps live together.
Some folks blame the lack of finances and needing to wait to
earn a college education as the reason to delay marriage, but it doesn’t make
sense. You can get a marriage license for a few bucks. A pastor will marry you
for free, but it’s customary to pay him one hundred dollars or so. A couple can
live cheaper than two single people, and you can get your education after
marriage. I did. Thousands of people earn their degrees later, and most of the
people did from generations before us.
But there is something else—and it’s huge. Young women and
men are giving away their virginity as if they are dropping a penny on the
sidewalk and leaving it there. Guys who already have a sexual relationship with
a woman won’t hurry to get married. A woman who gives away her virginity before
marriage risks never being married—especially to him!
IMAGINE: UNBLEMISHED
With throwing away virginity goes the dream of walking down
the church aisle in a white wedding gown or a tuxedo as a virgin, pure and
unblemished. Maybe the bride will wear white, but it won’t mean
anything—especially to the couple.
In addition, sex before marriage causes emotional
consequences.
Physicians
Joe S. McIlhaney and Freda McKissic Bush, authors of the book Hooked,[1] say neuroscience has discovered
sexual activity releases a chemical that impacts the brains of developing
adolescents and young adults. These chemicals cause an emotional bond between
partners, and when this bond is broken, the youth suffers depression and
difficulty with bonding in future relationships.
In contrast, when the bride is a virgin and her man loved
her enough to control his own urges for his wedding day, there is suspense,
excitement, electricity, and sparks that go way beyond the fireworks of the
wedding. When they bow their knees together and pray with the minister’s hands
on their heads, they are serious about this commitment. They recite their vows
to God, concluding with tears in their eyes, “Until death do us part,” and they
intend to keep their vow. If they continue to follow Him, God will help them
through the better or worse, thick or thin, hair or baldness, sickness or
health, poorer or richer.
Staying pure until the wedding night is the way God dreams
of life for young couples.
Sure, God knows about sex. He invented it. Here’s what God’s
Word says: “Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled” (Hebrews
13:4).
One time during the hippie generation, evangelist Billy
Graham visited a college campus and asked students what they would like to talk
about.
“Let’s talk about sex!” yelled one uncouth student.
“Sure,” said the evangelist with a smile. “That’s how we all
got here, isn’t it?” Then he explained sex is a wonderful thing between two
married people, and marriage is endorsed by God. But he added sex outside of
marriage will bring only sin and sorrow.
Young people who accept anything less than God’s best for
them learn early about the sorrow.
For a newspaper story, I visited and interviewed a high
school class for unmarried students who were pregnant or had babies. These
girls were angry! They were furious at their former boyfriends. Only one out of
about twenty was still dating the guy. The girls were upset at their parents.
They didn’t want their parents interfering with their lives, although they
needed financial support and help with the child. I think some of them were
capable of anger at their babies, too, and that was one reason for the
parenting class—to teach them how to love and care for the children and to
prevent physical abuse. Just shaking a baby can cause mental retardation and
dire consequences.
A large percentage of girls who give birth out of wedlock
have another child in two or three years, even though they aren’t married. A
few complete high school and college and go on to a successful career, but the
life they always dreamed of often eludes them. Many of the girls will spend the
rest of their lives in poverty, feeling unloved.
Don’t believe it when someone tells you STDs can be
prevented even if you are sexually promiscuous or have sex with someone who has
been exposed to a disease. Some of the devices do help, but all have a failure
rate, as do birth control methods.
Don’t believe it, either, if Satan tries to make you believe
the sexual experience will be
worth anything you pay for it. In a moment of passion,
people do believe that. In reality, it often is over within a few seconds. Some
counselors say single men seldom find it as satisfactory as married sex, and
women almost never are satisfied with early sexual encounters.
IMAGINE REACHING YOUR GOALS
Many young people are ruining their health, future, and
their lives by having sex before marriage. All over America, however, are youth
who respect themselves enough to wait until they get married. These young women—and
there are larger numbers of them than you would think—aren’t concerned about
being “sexy” or whether they have a date for the weekend. The girls have lots
of girlfriends and friends who are boys. The boys enjoy friends of both sexes,
too. Many go places in groups but usually don’t pair off with the opposite sex.
Others date, but sex is off-limits.
These gals have goals in life they plan to reach.
Wise young people keep their eyes on goals they want to
pursue and stand firm in not allowing Satan to snatch their future. Even some
who aren’t dedicated to God know they’ll never reach their goals if they take
that beer, smoke that pot, use that drug, or engage in premarital sex. They
don’t want to be stuck with an addiction or a disease, a baby to support, or a
hysterical person in love with him or her at this point in life.
Young people who are committed to God have those and much
deeper reasons for resisting temptation. It’s not because parents and pastors
get up and yell and warn them about the dangers of premarital sex, although the
warnings should be heeded.
It’s because they made a commitment to the Lord, who loves
them more than anyone, and they want to please God and obey His Word.
God started in Old Testament times warning about the dangers
of sexual sins by giving the seventh commandment, “You shall not commit
adultery.”
Many counselors and some Bible translations say adultery
covers all forms of sexual sin. Furthermore, adultery is the only reason Jesus
gave for divorce.
[2]
Jesus put sexual sin on the same level with murder (Matthew
15:19). In Hebrews, we’re told God will judge the sexually immoral (Hebrews
13:4), and we’re told by Peter that Sodom and Gomorrah were examples of what
happens to people who commit such sins, and if they do not repent, they will be
cast into hell (2 Peter 2: 4–10).
John says if someone says, “‘I know Him (Jesus)’ but doesn’t
keep His commandments, he is a liar, and the truth is not in him” (1 John 1:4).
We aren’t even
supposed to be friends with people who commit sexual sin (1 Corinthians 5:9).
We can try to win such people to Christ, but if they claim to be Christians and
continue to sin, they should be excommunicated from the church (1 Corinthians
5:5). Paul says we should do that (1) for the sake of the offenders so perhaps
they will repent and turn from their wicked ways and be restored to fellowship;
(2) for the sake of the church’s purity (verses 6–8); and (3) for the good of
the world. If the church is just like the world, how can we expect to win
people to Christ?
Paul explains the reason we should not have fellowship with
or have such people in our church membership is because “a little leaven (or
yeast) leavens the whole lump.”
Of course, if people truly repent of sexual sins and turn
from their wicked ways, God will have mercy on them and forgive them, and the
church should welcome them with open arms. New Christians should not, however,
be put into positions of leadership until they have proved themselves as
dedicated Christians who follow the Lord (1 Timothy 3:6). Yet, in this world
they will still reap much of the harvest of their sins, for what a man sows, he
will reap.
[3]
God knew what He was doing when He created marriage and put
within us a desire to love a person of the opposite sex so much we’ll want to
spend our whole lives with him or her, even when we’re upset with the person,
he or she turns old and ugly, we’re out of money, or our spouse becomes disabled
or ill.
That is true love.
It is the commitment to their relationship that makes
another person know he or she is loved—not a willingness to have sex.
Waiting is not easy if you begin dating when you’re age
twelve. It’s also difficult with long engagements if you see each other every
day.
Your future is in your hands. If you want to walk down the
aisle a virgin, and if you want to marry a virgin, you need to decide how
you’re going to accomplish your goal. You will accomplish this shimmering walk
with your will, your decisions, and assistance of the power available through
our Almighty God. The Bible says, “Resist the devil and he’ll flee from you.”
TIPS TO HELP YOU KEEP YOUR VIRGINITY
UNTIL MARRIAGE
- Don’t
watch immorality on TV or in a movie. If it’s placed before you, walk out.
- Consciously
reject lustful thoughts when Satan tries to put them into your head.
- Don’t
dress seductively; dress modestly (see 1 Timothy 2:9).
- Don’t
start dating until you’re sixteen or older. If you’re not ready to get
married, why court? It just complicates your life. When you break up with
someone, he or she is no longer your friend. When the person dates your
friend, you’re mad at your friend. If you don’t date, you can be friends
with everyone!
- When
you do date, do most of your activities with groups and in public places.
Don’t spend a lot of time kissing and holding one another close.
- Never
have a person you are dating in your home when you are alone or in your
bedroom, or lie down together anywhere.
- Be
aware that you don’t need to date someone to lose your virginity.
Molesters steal the innocence of young people—male and female—every day.
Don’t sit on an uncle’s lap or drape yourself over your favorite cousin—or
even your dad. Don’t be alone with any member of the opposite sex anywhere
that could make opportunity for lust to capture the sinful mind. It
usually starts with an inappropriate touch. The prophet Jeremiah wrote:
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9).
- Don’t
dance. There is a reason why dancing is a fertility rite among primitive
cultures: It arouses sexual desires.
- Don’t
think you are above temptation because you are a Christian. Satan walks
about as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. And Satan wants to
destroy you—especially if you are a Christian.
- When
you know you’re in love, value that person. Treat her or him with respect,
and also treat yourself with respect. You are made in the image of God.
- Don’t
have a long engagement. Married people do get through college, and do find
jobs to support themselves. If, however, you are not willing to work (and
this includes cleaning house, washing dishes, and cooking), you aren’t
grown up enough or self-disciplined enough to be married.
- Begin
praying now for the person you will marry because he or she is alive
somewhere right now, even though you most likely don’t know the
individual. Pray he or she will dedicate himself or herself totally to
God, keep pure, and be committed to God’s will.
If both of you want God’s will for your lives and are
willing to use your own will to achieve going into your marriage as virgins,
you’ll be successful!
It is true that even if you’ve sinned, we have an advocate
with the Father, Jesus Christ, and if we ask forgiveness and turn from sin, He
will abundantly pardon. Counselors now talk about “secondary virginity.” The
woman caught in the act of adultery, in danger of being stoned to death, Jesus
rescued. But he told her, “Go. And sin no more.” Never plan to sin and then ask
forgiveness. Open rebellion against God is a dangerous thing. Real virginity is
precious, and once lost it is forever gone.
[1] Moody
Publishers, 2008.
